How it couldn't have happened
by LonDae
Summary: A short look at how the Akatsuki didn't decide to go hunting after the bijuu.


Disclaimer: In spite of how much I wish I did, I do not own any of the following characters, series, ideas (save one) or nuclear explosions.

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Pein walked into his teachers study, trying to ignore the sounds of fighting outside. Sure, he was glad that Konan had found a way to work out her frustration at not being able to have kids, but did she have to do it so loudly?

As he approached the figure sitting on the throne-like chair in the middle of the room, Pein bowed. "Madara-sensei, I have done as you asked and assembled some of the strongest missing-nin to form the most talented group of ninja ever to work together."

The figure spun around on the throne, grinning manically. "Tobi is a good boy!"

Pein sighed. He loved his sensei, he really did. It's just that his alternate personality, Tobi, was so difficult to put up with. "Yes, Madara-sensei. Well, since I've put together the organization you asked for, I was wondering if you could tell me what your plan is."

Tobi practically jumped up and down with excitement. "Oh! Tobi know! Tobi know! Ask Tobi!"

Pein sighed again, briefly wondering if there was any way to cure Multiple Personality Syndrome. "Yes, Tobi?"

"Well," Tobi started, "We go find the pieces of the millenium puzzle, then we put them together, and then we gain a dark version of ourselves which will change people's hearts by beating them at card games!"

Pein shook his head. "No, Madara-sensei, that's Yu-Gi-Oh."

Tobi frowned. "Well, then, we can go fall in the cursed springs of Jusenkyo. Tobi can fall in spring of cursed girl and Pein can fall in spring of cursed panda. Then we can have all sorts of wacky adventures together while hoping to somehow magically get cured."

"No, Madara-sensei," said Pein, "that's Ranma 1/2."

"Aww..." said Tobi, "well, can we be detectives who get turned into little kids by a magical poison given to us by a strange man?"

"That's Meitantei Conan, Madara-sensei."

"How about we all wear sailor uniforms and fight in the name of truth, justice, love, and the moon kingdom?"

"Madara-sensei," Pein said, "I don't even want to know when you've been watching Sailor Moon. But no, I don't think that'll be our course of action."

"Well, we can find this magical notebook that kills people..."

"Death Note, sensei."

"Hire seven samurai to protect our village from mecha-bandits?"

"Samurai Seven."

"Can Tobi at least be Captain Jack Sparrow?"

"NO! Now, Madara-sensei, if you don't have anything important to say, I'll just be leaving." Pein said, turning around to leave.

"No, you're right!" Said Tobi, causing Pein to stop where he was. It sounded like Madara was back. "It is time to talk about our plan for the Akatsuki."

Pein spun around, only to see Tobi standing on a table, clutching a microphone. Suddenly, Tobi started to sing.

"We wanna be the very best, that no one ever was,

To catch them is our real test, to train them is our cause,

We will travel across the land, searching far and wide,

Each Bijuu-mon to understand, the power that's inside,

Bijuu-Mon!

It's you and me! I know it's our destiny!

You teach me and I'll teach you,

Bijuu-Mon!

Gotta catch 'em all, gotta catch 'em all,

Bijuu-Mon!"

Pein's nose stung slightly as he slapped himself in the face. This was beyond even Tobi's regular level of ridiculousness. "Madara-sensei, I really don't think..."

"Tobi want Bijuu-Mon!" said the rather petulant personality of Madara.

"But I don't think..."

"Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon," chanted Tobi, only stopping for a moment to catch his breath before continuing, "Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon, Bijuu-Mon..."

"Alright, Madara-sensei. We'll go capture the Bijuu. Just... please stop chanting 'Bijuu-Mon'!"

Tobi took on a rather innocent expression. "Tobi is a good boy."

Pein desperately tried to think of a way out of this fiasco. "But Madara-sensei... where will we store the Bijuu? We don't have any babies to make Jinchuriki out of."

Tobi, of course, was done paying attention at that time. In fact by that time, he was saying to himself, "... now should I teach my ninetails Fire Blast or Flamethrower?"

Pein gently tapped Tobi on the shoulder. "Um... Madara-sensei?"

Tobi turned around, an annoyed look on his face. "Duh! We put them into those!" He said, pointing to a bunch of round objects with circular protrusions sitting on a nearby table.

"What are those?" Pein wondered aloud.

"That's easy," replied Tobi. "Those are Bijuu-balls."

"Hey, Konan?" Pein said, walking to the door and calling over the sounds of battle, "What are these round things in here?"

"Oh!" Konan shouted, her voice carrying down the hall, "Those are they eyes from Hidan's build-it-yourself god-of-destruction statue he bought off of ..omfg last week!"

Pein slowly tried to put together the plan that Madara-sensei was giving him through his alternate personality. Yes... that might work. If the statue was a genuine holy relic, it would have enough power to contain the demons. Then they could harness that power for their own ends. Of course! It was... a genius plan.

Pein bowed again. "I shall put your plan into action right away, Madara-sensei."

Tobi nodded. "Good. Then Tobi can go fight historical figures using the power of paper-mastery!"

Pein shook his head yet again. "No, Madara-sensei, that's Read or Die."

Tobi pouted. "Aww... but Konan gets to do it!"

Whatever Pein was about to say was cut off by Konan yelling, "I swear to God, George Washington, if I see you again, I'm going to castrate you with a rusty spoon!"

Pein shook his head. "Konan's... special."

Of course, the situation became even more surreal as Deidara ran down the hall, naked as the day he was born, singing "I feel pretty". Of course, seconds later, Tobi was off joining him, leaving a rather startled Pein holding his clothes.

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Author's note: Well, that's pretty much it. I'm still debating whether to end it here and call it a oneshot, or to make this a whole series of "behind the scenes" shots of daily life at the akatsuki hideout. Any thoughts?


End file.
